thedayIwokeup

Informally Informal

2005-12-19T13:08:00.000-08:00

Nick uncorked a wine.
Mom made lasagna.
Schenk stirred a salad.
Barb burnt the bread.
Kelly baked a batch of cookies.

Painted Oranges

2005-06-25T10:07:00.000-07:00

Ever purchasae a perfectly orange Orange? Yep.
Ever been disappointed that the Orange wasn't perfect on the inside, oh so sweet and tasty, not bitter? Yep.
The more you get to know people, the less perfect those people become.
Either learn to accept that a perfectly orange Orange isn't going to be what is expected; or continue the search for the perfectly orange Orange that produces it's promised perfection.

2005-06-05T16:58:00.000-07:00

I'm alone. I feel sad that I'm alone; though I've declined offers to be around others. Want to watch a movie?
Desiring to escape and I find myself here. Gaming is alluring, but I find that to be vain. A waste of my breathe.

I need to apologize to a friend of mine, I hurt her feelings deeply. I don't know how deep, she doesn't reveal much of her own emotion. I like a strong women...But not a lying one. Still need to apologize.

Mixed emotions...
rlp.com is on medication for depression, I've wondered if I need something similar. I'd like to think the Word of God and God's Holy Spirit can cure all of this, but I think I'm the one that's lacking...This flesh; mind, body, spirit(if by spirit you relate this to emotions that's the word I want to use)it's myself, unwilling, unmotivated to give up, to surrender.

I'm not motivated to do anything!

2005-05-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

I find this all very vain. What am I trying to accomplish? Am I changing, are others being changed?
I suppose there is some deal of entertainment to this. It certainly is a way for me to be occupied, but sometimes I wonder. There are better ways to spend my time. I know this. It's all vain. An older more mature man said to me, "All intellectual persuits are vain." - I didn't want to believe this at first, but I suppose this is true.
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"All the rivers run into the sea, Yet the sea is not full; To the place from which the rivers come, There they return again." Ecc. 1:7
This has been for sometime my favorite book of the bible. I have met others who appreciate this book of the bible a lot, and I have met others who have a strong distaste for it. Words associated with Ecclesiastes often have a negative context associated with them. I should like to disagree with these. Ecclesiastes is the most 'real' book in the bible. At least thus as a real as life at 23.

"For in much wisdom is much greif, And he who increases knowledge increases sorrow." Ecc.1:18

Scarlet Letters

2005-05-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

Secret sins are nice. One gets the pleasure out of the sin that is desired, without ever having to worry about being ashamed of others knowing. Wow, awesome. A sin that's just between self and the God of the universe, who by the way can see everything.
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This seems all too true, and yet so sad. Secret sins need to be talked about. We need healing. How can I pray for you, or how can I expect you to pray for me if I never admit!
www.xxxchurch.com

An Overwhelming Theme

2005-05-12T17:01:00.000-07:00

Commitment. Committing to a future that no one ever knows exists. "Til death do us part" - there may be other factors other than death that part the two! Promising to "see you on Monday" - Monday may never exist for either party. These two examples seem to relate to death, but death isn't the only thing that separates people from each other, or from any of their commitments. Sometimes, and often times, it's circumstances or the results of decisions that prevent one from keeping commitments. So how does one ever commit to anything?
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"...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us..." Heb. 12:1.
"Endurance" - this statement shows that our lives on earth take commitment. Committing to "the race". To be "in it for the long haul". This statement makes people cringe. Who wants to be in anything "for the long haul"? It's not that we want to surrender, we are willing to fight, but we want to know that the fight will end. "Take your cross daily" ... "I die daily" - these are all phrases from God's Word. Is this what it means to "endure" - to daily offer our lives?
This is scary? Taking a shower daily is hard enough; though, it is less stressful to think, 'daily' instead of 'forever' or 'for a lifetime'. Our goal is to survive the day. "sufficient for the day is its own trouble" Matt. 6:34 This brings peace. So in our struggle to commitment we should hold on to today, while keeping commitment the ground we stand on.
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Had a tough time unraveling the thought pattern. Don't be suprised if this one gets edited.

2005-05-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

Ms. Jameson. You taught me to express my thoughts and feelings through words. This has become a great refuge and outlet for me, invaluable. My hope is that through words, I, like you, can help develop peoples hearts and souls to fulfill thier purpose. Thank you.

Mr. Abadir. Your commitment to love and your strong moral character shout way beyond the classroom walls - "Jesus desires you!" - To everyone you come in contact with. Thank you.

Mrs. Young. Your love and commitment to enstilling more than knowledge to EACH and EVERYONE of your students, YOU CARE! I remember that day that you were so frustrated becuase you felt so inadequate as a teacher...your desire was so strong. you almost cried. You are a great teacher! Thank you.

Mr. Kourek. Your unwillingness to bend spoke volumes to a teenager who hated rules and boundaries. You watched and witnessed a big change in my life. You were a part of it, and not only as a spectator. Thank you for my first and final F.

And to all teachers...not necessarily a thank you, but a reminder. You make lasting impressions on all your students. How do you use your influence?

2005-05-09T04:27:00.000-07:00

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I met her through a friend. It was her hair that first caught my attention. Not her hair, it was her. Everything about her. I said nothing...a barely audible "hi", with a slight and awkward nod. I think I smiled. And though I turned away, I was always focused, she had every bit of my attention. I left without saying goodbye, goodbye seems too final... I wanted to say more, something, anything. Instead I let my silence express - I won't forget you.

Thank you for our second meeting. I cherished it. "Hello, it's nice to see you again" - with confident, sincere enthusiasm. You knew you were missed. And your blank ordinary reaction, it only increased my desire for your affection. Turning away, you still had my undivided attention. ...You treat them all the same...I'm no different. "See you next time."

After some time. I thought to myself - this is your chance. I was reserved, it was her turn to initiate. She approached me as every other time, caring and sincere, but somehow generic. She cares...not so much for me...she cares for everyone. She is aware of the human need for sympathy and encouragement[one might call this LOVE]. She offered. I refused. I was just another one she cared about, not THE ONE. Thank you for the memories. Perhaps, "I'll see you around."
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Thoughts and emotions are often expressed in stories.

2005-05-03T22:17:00.000-07:00

We are watching a movie together. I want to like her. I like her.

The movie is over. I'm driving home, alone. I don't like her. I don't want to like her.

I want to watch a movie again!

Certain situations and circumstances trigger a thought, or an emotion, that wouldn't exist otherwise. Perhaps it's best to avoid situations that would allow such false thoughts and emotions to kindle. Either way, the emotions, the thoughts...they offer something. Something different depending on the mood.

2005-05-02T23:27:00.000-07:00

An excerpt from John Ortbergs "The Life You've Always Wanted".

I am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed not so much with particular things I have done as with aspects of who I have become. I have a nagging sense that all is not as it should be. Some of this disappointment is trivial. I wouldn't have minded getting a more muscular physique. I can't do basic home repairs. So far I haven't shown much financial wizardry. Some of this disappointment is neurotic. Sometimes I am too concerned about what others think of me, even people I dont know. Some of this disappointment, I know, is worse than trivial; it is simply the sour fruit of self-absorption. I attend a high school reunion and cant choke back the desire to stand out by looking more attractive or having achieved more impressive accomplishments than my classmates. I speak to someone with whom I want to be charming, and my words come out awkward and pedestrian. I am disappointed in my ordinariness. I want to be, in the words of Garrison Keillor, named Sun-God, King of America, Idol of Millions, Bringer of Fire, The Great Haji, Thun-Dar the Boy Giant.
But some of this disappointment in myself runs deeper. When I look in on my children as they sleep at night, I think of the kind of father I want to be. I want to create moments of magic, I want them to remember laughing until the tears flow, I want to read to them and make the books come alive so they love to read, I want to have slow, sweet talks with them as theyre getting ready to close their eyes, I want to sing them awake in the morning. I want to chase fireflies with them, teach them to play tennis, have food fights, and hold them and pray for them in a way that makes them feel cherished.
I look in on them as they sleep at night, and I remember how the day really went: I remember how they were trapped in a fight over checkers and I walked out of the room because I didnt want to spend the energy needed to teach them how to resolve conflict. I remember how my daughter spilled cherry punch at dinner and I yelled at her about being careful as if shed revealed some deep character flaw; I yelled at her even though I spill things all the time and no one yells at me; I yelled at herto tell the truthsimply because Im big and shes little and I can get away with it. And then I saw that look of hurt and confusion in her eyes, and I knew there was a tiny wound on her heart that I had put there, and I wished I could have taken those sixty seconds back. I remember how at night I didnt have slow, sweet talks, but merely rushed the children to bed so I could have more time to myself. Im disappointed.
And its not just my life as a father. I am disappointed also for my life as a husband, friend, neighbor, and human being in general. I think of the day I was born, when I carried the gift of promise, the gift given to all babies. I think of that little baby and what might have been: the ways I might have developed mind and body and spirit, the thoughts I might have had, the joy I might have created.
I am disappointed that I still love God so little and sin so much. I always had the idea as a child that adults were pretty much the people they wanted to be. Yet the truth is, I am embarrassingly sinful. I am capable of dismaying amounts of jealousy if someone succeeds more visibly than I do. I am disappointed at my capacity to be small and petty. I cannot pray for very long without my mind drifting into a fantasy of angry revenge over some past slight I thought I had long since forgiven or some grandiose fantasy of achievement. I can convince people Im busy and productive and yet waste large amounts of time watching television.
These are just some of the disappointments. I have other ones, darker ones, that Im not ready to commit to paper. The truth is, even to write these words is a little misleading, because it makes me sound more sensitive to my fallenness than I really am. Sometimes, although I am aware of how far I fall short, it doesnt even bother me very much. And I am disappointed at my lack of disappointment. Where does this disappointment come from? A common answer in our day is that it is a lack of self-esteem, a failure to accept oneself. That may be part of the answer, but it is not the whole of it, not by a long shot. The older and wiser answer is that the feeling of disappointment is not the problem, but a reflection of a deeper problemmy failure to be the person God had in mind when he created me. It is the pearly ache in my heart to be at home with the Father.
Universal Disappointment
One of the most profound statements I have heard about the human condition was one I first encountered when I was only five years old. It was spoken by my hero, Popeye the Sailor Man. When he was frustrated or wasnt sure what to do or felt inadequate, Popeye would simply say, I yam what I yam.

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These are just some of the disappointments. I have other ones, darker ones, that Im not ready to commit to paper. The truth is, even to write these words is a little misleading, because it makes me sound more sensitive to my fallenness than I really am. Sometimes, although I am aware of how far I fall short, it doesnt even bother me very much. And I am disappointed at my lack of disappointment. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

2005-04-29T06:30:00.000-07:00

When saying sorry, don't try to justify the wrong that was done...just admit fault, move on. The justification takes away from the error...Peter denied Jesus!
No justification was needed, he was wrong!

It's okay to admit fault.

2005-04-28T05:44:00.000-07:00

Music is enjoyed not so much for the lyrics, or musical style, but becuase of the memories...
Remember when we made out at a stop sign becuase we were "Hanging by a Moment"
Remember when we were so bored at work we made up a dance to "What Are you Waiting For"
Remember when "Kiss" was performed and how the crowd enjoyed
Remember when we sang along to "Deep Enough To Dream" in the car
Remember when we sang along to "That's What Friends are For" .. everytime it played
Remember when you played "Again I go Unnoticed" and how much fun it was to sing
Remember when we would sing ... if that's what you could call it... along to ... that song that I can't remember...but I remember those being good times...
Memories, thanks...it's nice; It's too bad each of these memories has something sad associated with it... missing mom; a home that housed my body, but never my heart and soul; friendships that seem to be breaking; friendships that never started; the pain of shattered romances...longing for something better, yet having not achieved!
-the end of what seems just a small step above vanity
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2005-04-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

One can think about a subject for a long time, and yet come to no conclusion, this is frustrating and seems to be a waste of time...
Somehow this is a lie...it can't be a waste of time...but without any conclusion, the time does seem to have been wasted. Unless at some future point, the current thoughts will lead to some conclusion...ah this is the hope!

the thoughts in the mind
go round and round
round and round
round and round
the thoughts in the mind
go round and round
all through the day

2005-04-14T10:42:00.000-07:00

the desire to write exists...the need to communicate.
Words, however, are failing...thus giving borrowed thoughts revival.

what sin had seperated
LOVE has united
forever bound by I AM

no title needed

2005-04-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

Undertaking a task that seems to serve no purpose... It's hard to communicate an idea, thought, emotion or other, if the words needed to describe such aren't able to be found. This is the task. Not for the reader to understand what's being shared, it's the author who can't understand himself, his surroundings, situations; for if one could understand these than the sharing would come more easily.